Sunday, April 30, 2006

Patience, Will Power, Love, Desire

Emotions, personalities, problems, etc... we all have them. I'm sitting here thinking, thinking of life, of love, of passion, of disappointment of life in general. I find myself disappointed in myself, in my ... well, I can't even put a word on it. However, I know that I am capable of more.

I shouldn't be dragging my feet with school, I shouldn't be worried about a guild that will survive no matter what, I shouldn't be wanting to sit around the house and do nothing. I have a good life that I love; I have a home that while not my dream is mine, I have food in my belly and money to have some pleasures yet I take no pride in it. The house is a mess, no you don't have to kick your way thru it but it needs to be cleaned, the yard is a disaster that we need to tackle and I've been saying I'm going to clean up the basement for a year. I have assignments due and I'm waiting till the last minute, I have a bag that I want to knit, but no energy to knit it, my scrapbooking is crying for my attention yet all I want to do is lay on the couch and watch tv or read...or play EQ but honestly I don't have the energy to do that. Am I sick, no - just lazy.

I say I'm lazy and then something rises up inside of me and tells me that I'm not. That I do more than enough... I get up and go to work, 1 15 min one way and then I come home and finish my assignments to maintain the 4.0. Then another part of me yells that the 4.0 is not really that hard and that I need to get off my lazy ass and do something useful with my time. The ultimate internal struggle that I'm sure lazy will win. Man you can tell it's that time of the month... I don't know what's wrong with me. One day I'm so happy you would think the sun rose just for me and the next you would think I need to be put on anti-depressants. I'm just restless; this trip should do us good. God I hope so. I need some inspiration, I need some internal strength to rise up inside of me and take hold, I need the will power to get off my ass and do something other than sit here and whine about it. I need something.

I see all these people running and exercising and realize I would probably feel better if I would do something, but then at the same time I don't have the will power to clean the house much less exercise everyday or every other day. Sorry for the whinny post - I just needed to vent for the 2nd time today.

Change

Change is inevitable and sometimes good, but in this case I find it very saddening. My EQ guild is breaking up; we will still be the VOV for first person shooters and long term friends but since so few people login at a given time many of our members are changing guilds. They want us all to come, a kind of guild merger, but I don't think I'm game. I don't play enough to be of real benefit to a new guild and I have zero desire to reprove my abilities. As a female it is hard to convince people that you will be a good tank and you are constantly chosen over; with the VOV that's not the case. They know I'm a competant tank and even if I have off days they still let me play without giving me hell. I love my guild and know without question that they will always be there as friends, but I still find this move sad. Understandable because people are correct, we very rarely have enough on for a full group and raiding is virtually impossible but that is ok with me...I like playing with my friends and have not in the two years I have been playing with them ever been lfg; it's either a guild group or no group at all for me.

Ah well, change is inevitable.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Guilty ?

I've just finished reading my novel, a rather good read, but I could not fully enjoy it. I kept thinking of the assignment due this evenign and the fact that I had to come up here and write it. So upon completing my novel; I climb up the stairs, with extreme reluctance, look at the task list to see what it is that I have to concentrate on and low and behold my next assignment isn't due until 5/2. Now granted it's a big one; it will suck as it will require alot of work this weekend but I could have read my book without guilt. Ah well - teach me not to look. On the otherhand WOOT I don't have to do anything tonight.

It's strange -> I'm tired. I could lay down on the floor right now and pass out just like I was sleeping on a cloud. Why, you ask... I have no idea, I haven't done anything strenous, my week has been relatively low stress and I'm generally happy. I'm assuming it has to do with that time of the month, my sinuses and well just because... but I'm sure after I sleep until Noon tomorrow it will be fine :) Tee Hee

I want to play Eq some this weekend; I want to clean out the basement, I want to work on my bag while watching hours of television, I want to sleep for hours on end, I will be doing some of the above and writing a paper that I don't want to write. But on a brighter note two weeks from now I will be flying off to Scotland. OMG I can't wait. I can't wait to see Scotland, to take thousands of pictures, but more than that I can't wait to get away. To get away from the mundane, the required, the reality of life. I need an escape and I can think of no better place to get one :)

I know I'm bouncing off the walls tonight but on another topic I may try to sale some of my photography. I'm looking at matting a few and trying to sale them at a trade show or two. Maybe a craft fair. I'm not sure if I have any that are good enough, but I'd like to see. If all fails I'll have some nice pics matted and ready to be given as gifts for those peps who are too nice to tell me to my face that I suck. We shall see - - we shall see.

Well, I'm drained and hyper at the same time which normally means one thing - I need to go to sleep before I do something stupid so good night dear world. See you tomorrow :) May your dreams be filled with rainbows and cotton candy.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Stupid

Have you ever met one of those people that just make you feel incompetent, stupid, that you are generally a waste of space on the planet. There is a guy in my class who does this. I met with him tonight (in a chat room) and was discussing our upcoming group project and since there was not too much to discuss we got off topic. His father is 90 and requires alot of care so to be conversational I mentioned that my father had died of Lugaricks in 04 ... which he promptly corrected is spelled Lou Garhricks (or something like that) and proceeded to give me links and a detailed description of what the disease does. Ok, so I can't spell it - I spell Chemo Kimo - but that doesn't mean I don't know what the damn disease does - I watched it. It just irked me and what is even more funny about this is that I have been in classed off and on with him since September and was so impressed that he was always to find so many great resources (websites) quickly that were relevant to the subject.

Why do I post this you ask. To Vent? No, not really, or that is not my main reason, but to point out that what you like about someone one minute will annoy the living dog shit out of you the next. Isn't that amazing. Why is that? I guess you can have too much of a good thing.

I'm spending the night w/ Mama tomorrow night. I'm hoping to make that a weekly thing, but we shall see. When we get into the new office it will be almost 2 hours to get to her house from work so I have a feeling that the visits will taper off again. Which is good and bad. Good in that I will not want to kill her as often and distance makes the heart grow fonder; bad in that I won't get to see my Mama as much and Jack won't get the house to himself for a night to pretend he misses me while taking up the ENTIRE bed.

Well, I guess I'm done for the night. Nothing else comes to mind to post, my brain is tired and my eyes are drooping so it's off to bed I go. Good night sweet world, may your evening be filled with dreams of .... well I can't think of what I want to wish so lets just say sweet dreams .

Monday, April 24, 2006

Good Times

It was a good weekend and it has been a good day! Why? You ask...Well, some I can tell you and some I will leave to your very overactive imaginations.

No I didn't get my paper wrote Friday night - I went and watched TV. I know shame shame.

Saturday I slept late, then Jack and I ran several errands. Afterwhich we went to see "American Dreamz." I do not under any circumstances recommend it; it had it's funny moments but over all not worth the $18 price for 2 peps to go to a movie; maybe when it gets to $1 rentals would I watch it. But it was a nice time out. After the movie we came home and I was bored.... I convinced Jack to do and adult photo shoot with him behind the camera....No pictures will ever be posted anywhere, but it was fun! and so was what came after :) tee hee

Sunday I slept even later. Woke up with a raging headache....slept too long probably. I vegged most of the day watching tv and movies. Jack and I went and bought Memoirs of Geisha; it was very good! Then we had another entertaining adult evening then all I can say is Wow too...This poses a question for the ladies who read my blog. Do you ever cry during or after sex, not a bad cry, just an emotional release you didn't know you needed? Or am I just a freak? Hey let me know :) I may need to go see the looney doc next week.

And then today I went to work, worked overtime without meaning too (looked up and it was 45 min past time for me to leave and came home. Now I am going to write my paper that was due Friday so that I will be ready to write the one due tomorrow. I will be so glad when I am done with this...I graduate in December! It needs to come faster!

Tomorrow during lunch I'm hoping to get some more done on my bag...I want to have it done or at least well on the way before I go to Scotland...or maybe I'll just take it with me. Who knows...I can't wait. Three more weeks and I'm outta here....Yay!!!

Well, have a great night blogland. May you never procrastinate!

Friday, April 21, 2006

2nd Post of The Day

I know I've already posted and I should be writing my paper but I just want to go on record as saying I love my husband. He annoys me and I love him, he's good to me and I love him, he doesn't fit in a box which may be why I love him. No, he's not the super romantic man that I hear some women speak of, he's not one who loves to do chores around the house and to fix things, he actually hates to do stuff around the house (who honestly doesn't?) but he is my man. He plays computer games and tolerates my mood swings; he understands that sometimes I'm needy and sometimes I want to be left the hell alone, he says I love you and gives me kisses when I have bad breath...he is my husband - my friend - my lover and my life line. I love him with everything that I am ..........

Just had to share. Ok so now I'm writing my paper - really I am.......on the count of three....1, 2, 2 1/4, 2 1/2.....ok, ok, Im going. May you hold that special person extra tight tonight.

Time Escapes Me

Where does the time go? This week it feels like I have been constantly busy and am still behind or at least I feel that way. Monday I had a business appointment in the morning and then worked from home that afternoon; frustrating process. Tuesday I went to work and had an NAIW meeting that evening then I had to come home and write a paper (got to sleep around midnight). Wednesday I was at work by 6:45 am and and left at 5:30 pm -> trying desperately to get caught up; yesterday I was at work from 7:15 to 6 and today I was out on business appts all day so I'll probably behind the 8 ball again on Monday. I have another paper due tonight not to mention the 5 files I brought home with me to work on, but do you know what? I'm happy! I love my life. Job is good, Jack is great and I am happy! I know I've said it but before but it feels good to be happy! Refreshing to wake up and go yea I'm happy to be me. No, my life isn't perfect, far from it, and there is more than one day this week I would love to have stayed home and slept but I'm happy!

Scotland is less than 3 weeks away. Our tickets came yesterday with a wealth of information!!! Oh, I can't wait. Mama had her chemo Monday and she got sick yesterday - it seems to take 3 days to catch up with her but she should be feeling better next week and her next chemo isn't until after the trip! I spent the night with her on Wednesday night and she seemed more like my Mama than she has in a long time! I was so glad. My brother is still sleeping there - not sure what's going on there. I hope they work it out.

Well, I guess I better get to writing my paper - have a good weekend blogland!

Sunday, April 16, 2006

How is Everyone?

I hope all of you in blog land had a wonderful Easter. My husband and I had a good one - we drove around a bit, ate at the Waffle House and went to the movies. It was nice and relaxing. I find lately that I am restless...I know I want to do something but have no idea what. I'm bored but lazy - just generally restless. Why? Who knows. Maybe it's because I know Scotland is less than a month away or maybe it's just because I'm in a restless mood. Hopefully it will pass soon....

Well, night blog land. Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Friendly Neighborhood Reminder

Lotus Knits gave a comment reminding me that I'm a procrastinator and she is absolutely 150% correct :) However, I have not been procrastinating regarding the blog I just haven't been in a sharing mood lately. No, blog land I have no deep secrets to hide, well none that have happened in the past week. I've just been lazy. My week has consisted of lots and I mean lots of tv; a little family; some knitting and a little bit of reading. I've been a total slacker and have loved it.

However, now it's time to get back on track - to get refocused. So thank you Lotus Knits for helping me to realize what a complete laze I've become. I came up here tonight and wrote my paper that was due Tuesday; we had to go out of town for Jack's uncle's funeral so I didn't' get it done on Tuesday and yesterday I sat on the couch and was too tired / lazy to come do it. Now its done. I have another short one due tomorrow and then I can take the Easter weekend off - woot! I have no idea what we are going to do yet, but hey it's a 3 day weekend and that's all I care about. I'm sure EQ will be involved some time.

Well, I'm off to bed. I promise to share pics of the bag I'm knitting tomorrow! Sleep well blog land.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Procrastination and Well Nothing...

Yep, you heard right blog land I've procrastinated. I know your in shock - you can't believe that I put something off. Those that have been reading a while will know what a load of shit that just was so I digress. I have a paper due Friday and I haven't read hardly anything so I'll be doubling up over the next couple of days and then playing EQ all day on Saturday. Yep, I'm having an EQ athon...can't wait. We played tonight and had a great time!

On another topic I'm training an account manager at TT&H tomorrow for the small accounts desk. A pretty big compliment if you ask me. Hey, I know you don't work here anymore and I'm going to have to make a deal with your boss but can you please come train our account manager for small accounts. "No one has ever done it better." I was honored, not to mention happy about seeing everyone again. I really enjoyed working there; I would have to say it was my favorite place to work thus far - traffic was just too bad. 2 hours one way home; couldn't do it anymore.

Well, off to bed to dream of gingerbread men. Have a great night.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Happier Day

Today was better, when I have days or shall I say weekends, like the past few I just need to remember that the days are just that days. I haven't heard from Mama or Jean - made some calls and left voicemail, but I assume they are both ok. I pray they are both ok. I know now somewhere deep down that Mama will be fine and that the drugs just need to be adjusted. I want to thank everyone for their comments and continued prayers.

Now on to lighter subjects because well because I feel lighter :) Tee Hee

I promised pics so here you go ...

Here the shawl that I just finished (still need to add fringe). The pic below is much better representation of the color.















Then, onto my next project another Booga Bag - I know I really should move to something harder but I'm enjoying this.


Here's the lovely yarn...hoping these greens and blues will turn out as nicely as the reds and pinks did.

And my progress thus far...









And for those of you who didn't believe me when I told you I threw my phone ....I can still talk on it though (if I use speaker) just can't see any display. Verizon is shipping me a new one - thank goodness for insurance :)


Well, I'm off to watch some TV and relax before I listen to the lecture for my class and begin reading the many many chapters I need to read. I also plan on finding some time to play Everquest II. Gotta play.... Tee Hee

Monday, April 03, 2006

OMG

I have spent the last two hours trying to connect my mother to Jean. Mama was following Jean and got lost.... I told her not to drive after dark; she listens about as well as a deaf mute. I love her. I can't handle this right now - I really just can't handle this. My cell phone is in pieces where I threw it when I hung up. Jean is taking her to the doctor tomorrow for me...this is insane. I'm about to go insane.

I'm so worried...so stressed...so emotional...just so...

Please keep us in your prayers.

Gotta Share

I know I said I was going downstairs to destress, but I decided to read blogs instead. My friend Andy posted this and I just love it. What a perfect description of a rainy day...

http://jamespurcell25.blogspot.com/2006/04/world-is-taking-nap.html

Wow, Almost a Week

Wow, it's been almost a week since my last update. Sorry guys - just haven't felt like bloggin or doin much of anything for that matter. Well, anyway let the blogging begin :)

Friday we had a dinner to celebrate Jacks graduation from college. It was a blast - 12 of us, family and friends at the Olive Garden. Dynamite time- just dynamite. It was great to see some old friends - Donnie and his wife, Billy & Terry, I met a new friend of Jack's - Tripp, and we got to see Jacks' Mom and step dad. My mother was supposed to be there but I'll explain that later. Anyway we had a great time and fantastic service!

Now let's discuss my mother. I love my Mama - she is my best friend, but right now she needs help. I'm not sure if she had a small stroke or if it is just a combination of all these drugs she's on but she's looney. I didn't realize just how bad she was until I spent the entire weekend with her...let me explain. Ok, first you can't hardly understand my Mother on the phone; her speech is extremely slurred. I attributed it to waking her up or she was tired, but no her speech is slurred period. It's much more noticeable over the phone, but its there all the time. Second she's not thinking straight - I mean crazy person. Let me explain:

Friday Mama is supposed to meet us in Douglasville, GA at the Olive Garden which is on the opposite side of town as my home. I wanted her to meet me at work and then I'd just take her back to her car on Monday but she didn't want that. So Friday at 5:00 she calls to tell me she is stuck in traffic on 400. Then at 6:15 (dinner starts at 6:30) she calls to tell me she went the wrong way on 285 and asked for directions again. I try to help her navigate back and then I give Jack the phone because he's so much better w/ directions. 20 minutes later she calls back - has completely not followed any of the directions we gave her and is even more lost; lost to the point that I can't identify where she is. She finally gets to my house around 8:30 pm! She left her house at 3:30 and on normal days it is a hour and 1/2 drive; traffic sometimes 2 to 2 1/2.

Ok, so when she gets here I realize that she is driving the van. The full size conversion van whose mirrors don't work and whose windows wont' roll up. She has a small compact car but it wasn't running Friday, not sure what's wrong with it, so she decides to drive the van. Yes, I wanted her to come but not at the risk of killing herself. Do you know how hard it is to drive a full size conversion van in rush hour Atlanta with the mirrors? Much less without?

We get the van pulled into the driveway and park it. She then stays at the house all weekend. You can tell she just doesn't feel good. Her hands are shaking so bad that I had to mop the kitchen twice from where she spilt drinks and didn't even realize it. Plus she comes off with conversation and you have no clue what in the heck she is talkin about. Before the surgery my mother was invincible or so it seemed to me - this weekend it seemed like she had aged 30 years overnight. Oh, but I'm not done yet...

So today I call to check on her and I can't get an answer at my house or on her cell (which she can't figure out how to answer) so I call Jean. Her and Jean were supposed to go shopping today so I figure they are together. Jean in a non-chalant way, because she assumed I knew, told me she was on the way to my house to get the van out of the ditch. She had backed it off the left side of my driveway into the ditch...all 4 wheels. Now for those of you who have seem my home you will know this is not difficult to do, however all 4 wheels is a little amazing. Apparently they got it out because the van is not here, Mama is not here and there are rutts in my yard the size of Mississippi. She's not answering any of her #s so hopefully she got home before traffic. Yes, I told her to ride home w/ Jean and that I would get the van home to her...did she listen...No.

I'm really hoping that it is the combinations of medicines causing her to seem so out of it: some type of Chemo pill, nausea medicine (that I only thought she needed to take for a few days after the Chemo but she's still on it), indigestion meds, high blood pressure meds (that she can't find), some type of nerve pill and paxel another nerve pill. Oh plus a pill for restless leg syndrome. God help her. She said she would call the doc today and see what's goin on...did she - I don't know. God I hope so.

Please from this rant don't think I don't love my mother I do - dearly, but something is wrong. We just have to figure out what.

Next Topic:

School starts back this week. 9 chapters to get read and a discussion board due Friday - You can feel the excitement, can't ya? Tee Hee

The guild logged onto the regular server last night. We all went into the Silent City and played around - loads of fun. I love grouping w/ guildies. Now if I can just talk them into giving up PvP completely.

I started a new bag :) and finished my shawl (other than adding the fringe) pics to follow later.

Well, I'm going downstairs to destress for a bit. Later blog land - hope you have a restful evening.

Jamaica Day 2 and Part of 3

I'm relaxed - I mean really relaxed and it feels amazing.  Yesterday after the post they showed us a new room and I was really undecided...