Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Lofty Goals & Reality

Warning: Random TMI post!

Some of you know – some of you don’t, but I’ve been struggling with depression lately.   Not diagnosed by a doctor, but just a feeling of lethargy, a desire to do nothing.  I’m not sad – I’m not anything.   And that ladies and gents is the problem.

I’ve spoken to trusted advisers and was told basically – just do.  Do it, even when you don’t feel like it, just do.   My question was how?    I’m not writing this as a sob story – I’m not writing this for attention.  I’m writing this, because I’m struggling, and I know I’m not the only one.   I’ve had no earth-shattering event in my life, my marriage is rock solid, my husband incredible, I’m not stressed, I’m blessed to not have to work, I’m the picture of what a pretty, happy life should look like and yet…   I struggle.   I assume I’m not the only one.   So, what am I going to do about it?

I’ve been thinking about this.  I’d like to say I’ve been praying, but let’s be honest – that desire to nothing extends to prayer.   I’ve come up with a game plan that I tried last week… it worked for a couple of days and then nada.  The problem I think – or at least my new rational of thinking is that I get these plans, things I want to do and when I don’t do one of them I figure ah well, screw it all, start over another day.  When in reality I should just continue as if I didn’t miss.   But again, how?  How do you break the cycle?   I don’t know the answers … I do know I’ll keep trying. 

A friend posted something today about routines and app she uses - > FlyLadyPlus   Maybe it’s the answer?  Maybe it’s just another thing I’ll try and give up on.   I don’t know, but I’d love to hear how you break yourselves out of the cycle.  How do you take the “just do it” and actually execute on that? 

I’m also thinking a lot about, when I do break the cycle, how do I want to live my life?   I have tried different food/exercise plans, different prayer techniques, different things.   I tend to be a binge person – I’m all about an activity for a bit then drop it like a hot penny, normally because I enter a state of lethargy and just don’t want to deal anymore.    Its not a healthy cycle – this much I know.  I also know that the medical professions answer is drugs of some type which I’d prefer to avoid. I’ve tried in the past and I didn’t care for the side effects and the addictive qualities, not to mention I don’t feel they helped, just put me in a fog.  I’m hoping to avoid them and find another way out.

I’m rambling at this point, but here are some of the things I’m thinking about in my lifestyle – Routines/Things I want to do – Does your mind circle like this?  What are you doing to make your family healthy?  I know I feel like sometimes I bite off more than I can chew, but hey right now I don’t feel like chewing anything so maybe that is it?

·        Exercise:
o   Walk with Mama
o   21DF of equally strenuous program with Jack 5 days a week.

·        Bible Study
o   Really far behind on the Roman’s study – struggling to dig in and do the homework or even to care.
o   Why does everyone seem to feel something about God but me?  I know he’s real – I know he loves me – So why don’t I feel anything?

·        Prayer
o   I have a prayer journal with specific prayers for specific days, but I find it gets stale and begins to feel like it is routine vs. honest.
o   Hard to pray for people in your circle when you don’t even know what is really going on with them – only so much “your will be done in their life” prayers you can say.
o   Need to recommit to a concentrated prayer time though
o   Without structure it ends up being nap time
o   How do I update prayer journal?   How do I keep it fresh and honest?
o   How do I make myself pray?
o   How do I not rush time with God?

·        Friends/Family
o   How do people have that circle of friends that is more like family – the family you make someone said recently?  How do you have friends that when something happens in your life your first instinct is to call them? 
o   How do you deepen family relationships? 
o   How do you really do life together? 
o   I hate chitchat – can you do life without chitchat?  Conversation with a purpose - sure, but sit around and talk just to hear yourself talk - NO

·        Food
o   Redo 21 Day Sugar Detox?
o   Move over to a Keto Diet without pushing the fats/monitoring the numbers given it’s not weight loss for me but health?
o   Help Jack with his low-calorie diet which is what he needs with traveling – try to keep it low carb/low sugar as well.
o   Prep – this is what kills me on all of this!  I don’t mind cooking.  But planning the menu and grocery shopping, ugh.  I HATE IT.  How do I make this fun?  How do I push myself to do this in a timely basis so it’s not always just ugh?
o   Should I keep a food journal of what I eat and how it makes me feel ?  Is my diet really what’s causing the depression?    

·        Oils / Chemicals
o   Do the Young Living Oils work? Will we use them if I buy them?
o   Do I really need to stop using chemicals when I clean?  I like some of my cleaners- alot of my cleaners.  They make it easier – am I killing us?

·        House Cleaning
o   Every Tuesday we clean – One Tuesday is Mama’s side, one is mine.
o   This Tuesday we didn’t do mine – just couldn’t make myself do it.   Why?  Why can’t I just do it…?

·        Volunteer
o   Help others with various task through Journey – I’m signed up, it’s something I know I can do and yet there is no joy.
o   Isn’t volunteering supposed to bring joy?

·        Work
o   Need some surplus income.
o   Really don’t want to go back to an 8-5 job – will if I have to but I really don’t want to.
o   How can I make income and actually enjoy it?  

As you can see – I have ideas, I have things I’m questioning, things I want to do, things I know will be good for me and for my family.     My point in typing all of this out?   Not sure I know – just felt I needed to.   So here – My brain dump online for all to see.   Hope it helps someone know they aren’t alone.   Hope we can figure out how to move – one step – one moment – one choice at a time.

Jamaica Day 2 and Part of 3

I'm relaxed - I mean really relaxed and it feels amazing.  Yesterday after the post they showed us a new room and I was really undecided...