Emotions, personalities, problems, etc... we all have them. I'm sitting here thinking, thinking of life, of love, of passion, of disappointment of life in general. I find myself disappointed in myself, in my ... well, I can't even put a word on it. However, I know that I am capable of more.
I shouldn't be dragging my feet with school, I shouldn't be worried about a guild that will survive no matter what, I shouldn't be wanting to sit around the house and do nothing. I have a good life that I love; I have a home that while not my dream is mine, I have food in my belly and money to have some pleasures yet I take no pride in it. The house is a mess, no you don't have to kick your way thru it but it needs to be cleaned, the yard is a disaster that we need to tackle and I've been saying I'm going to clean up the basement for a year. I have assignments due and I'm waiting till the last minute, I have a bag that I want to knit, but no energy to knit it, my scrapbooking is crying for my attention yet all I want to do is lay on the couch and watch tv or read...or play EQ but honestly I don't have the energy to do that. Am I sick, no - just lazy.
I say I'm lazy and then something rises up inside of me and tells me that I'm not. That I do more than enough... I get up and go to work, 1 15 min one way and then I come home and finish my assignments to maintain the 4.0. Then another part of me yells that the 4.0 is not really that hard and that I need to get off my lazy ass and do something useful with my time. The ultimate internal struggle that I'm sure lazy will win. Man you can tell it's that time of the month... I don't know what's wrong with me. One day I'm so happy you would think the sun rose just for me and the next you would think I need to be put on anti-depressants. I'm just restless; this trip should do us good. God I hope so. I need some inspiration, I need some internal strength to rise up inside of me and take hold, I need the will power to get off my ass and do something other than sit here and whine about it. I need something.
I see all these people running and exercising and realize I would probably feel better if I would do something, but then at the same time I don't have the will power to clean the house much less exercise everyday or every other day. Sorry for the whinny post - I just needed to vent for the 2nd time today.
1 comment:
You have will power. You just need focus. There are too many things in the air. If you need a way out, just look within yourself.
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