Update

Time to give you some updates/boring tidbits/pieces of recent information:

First I got to Mama's house Sunday night and there is my brother looking sad and lonely. I should feel sorry for him, should reach out a helping hand, should feel something other than anger but anger is what I feel so for now I'll roll with that. Mama looked tired and had some severe acid reflux, something she never had before the surgery. She was also hungry so we went to Waffle House, my brother stayed there. We invited him but I'm so glad he didn't go. I ordered food I knew I wouldn't eat so that my mother would eat ... she ate her entire plate. The waitress also said that bakin soda and water was good for acid reflux so we tried it since the medication wasn't workin and it actually helped her. We then went back to Mama's and I stepped over my brother snoring in the floor as I made the way to the guest bedroom he was gracious enough to give up for me. Gracious... oh stopping now before I go off ranting.

Well, anyway we get up Monday and went out to breakfast and then went to the clinic. We figured we would be out of there by one or two and I had actually planned on working 1/2 a day -> WRONG. We got there at 10 at which time they informed us they have to do labs before they can begin. That took 2 hours and then the treatment was 4 1/2 hours and it will be 4 1/2 hours each time. I didn't mind the wait or would not have minded the wait had I been mentally prepared for an all day event but both of us expected a couple hours and then we would be out. Little did we know. Plus, they only allow family back during the 1st kimo treatment so they are not really set up for visitors. The majority of the day I sat on a folding metal chair, man was I sore. On the bright side I got my shawl done (pics to be posted tomorrow) and Mama's first treatment is out of the way. By the time we got out of there I was aggravated enough to spit fire and trying not to show it for Mama's sake...I wasn't too successful.

Good news though - she hasn't been sick from it yet. A little queasy but not really sick. Keep hoping that all of her treatments are like that.

On other fronts my Everquest guild has started playing on a Player vs Player server - I don't know I just don't enjoy it as much. I like my main character and really do not have alternate characters like many people so having to start over on another server where I have to watch out for guys much higher level than me hunting me down for the sheer fun of it isn't that much fun. Maybe it will grow on me because Lord knows I love playing with the guild. I can't wait till a bunch of them come down in June. It's going to be so much fun to have them here.

I also signed up for secret pal 8 today - WOOT. SP7 was so much fun...can't wait to do it again.

I'm so restless right now. I want to punch something or scream until I wake up the world or cry until I pass out in exhaustion. I don't know why or what is going on all I know is that I need a release...I need a moment of clarity, happiness, peace. I need something; here's praying I find it soon.

Sleep well blog land. I wish you restful dreams and peaceful days.

The Big Reveal

I received a package late yesterday afternoon and my pal was revealed. I just want to say Thank you Beth for being a great secret pal. I know, I know your dying to see what I received in my final package. Well, I got a really cute butterfly notebook, a card and these absolutely wonderful hand knitted socks. They fit perfect....thanks again!


Sox is sniffing of my Socks :) how cute...

Other than that life at my house has been uneventful. I'm going to Mama's tonight; her first Kimo treatment is tomorrow. My brother is staying with her as well so it should be fun ** sarcasm ** we can't be around each other for 20 minutes without arguing and especially now when I think he is taking advantage of my mother and needs to grow up and get a clue. Not to mention the fact he needs some serious anger management classes.

Well, I'm logging off before I go off on another rant. Thanks again Beth! You have been a great Secret Pal! I really have enjoyed my packages :)

Bittersweet - A Day to ... Well A Day

There are days that go by one wants to remember, there are days that go by one wants to forget and then there are just the days. Most of the 365 days that make up a year are just that - days; they are neither memorably bad or memorably good - they are just another tick on the clock, another rotation of the earth, another day. I mean think about it - How was your day last Wednesday?, Wednesday the 22 of last month?, last year? Get's a little fuzzy for most of you doesn't it? Yep, just another tick in the yearly rotation. So what was today for you - was it something you will remember for ever or was it just a day? I believe this to be a good perspective when judging exactly how bad something is. When you have had what you believe to be an absolutely horrible day you should stop and think - "Will I remember this next week? next month? next year? Hell, will you remember it tomorrow?" This helps to put the days in perspective for me. My perspectives are as follows:

Happiest Days/Memories of my life (in no certain order):
- Day I had my Easter dress on and I went to sit in a bucket of water - no I don't really remember it but the stories make me happy :) and I remember them.
- The day I met Jack. He was leaning back on his 3000 GT with his arms crossed, his combat boots on and a look that showed he thought he ruled the roost. The people around him were dim in comparison.
- The day I married Jack - I remember the look on his face when he saw me...priceless
- The day I met and fell in love with Jack's grandmother, Hapaw. She reminds me so much of my Big Mamaw.
- Playing board and card games with my Big Mamaw
- Playing pool with Riffe, Purcell and Kwamu at the college
- Having my former boss, Dwight, talk about my work and me with pride.
- Talking to my Mama about nothing for hours as she was silently wishing I would shut-up because it was the 15th time I had said the same thing.
- Blowing up the mexican dish and having my mother run out of the bedroom in a panic.
- Flirting and playing pool on Thursday nights at the Wildhorse with Jason and David

** I'd like to note here that only one of my happy moments that I will remember forever have to do with school and / or work. So why is it that we spend so much energy trying to excel there when our real source of happiness is elsewhere. I'm not saying don't do your best - just don't let it be your life - life is at home with your family or with your friends so LIVE it **

Worst Memories
- Most are unspeakable but let's just say in the grand scheme of things they pale in comparison and the numbers are far less. Therefore, I am under the impression that while there are more days, general unmomentious days than there are happy or bad ones; there are also many more happy ones than there are horrible ones. In every bad day I'm sure you can find one good moment, weather it be a sweet spring wind, a sunset, or a cherry blossom falling in your hand...if you look for them they are there.
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Oh, my goodness - dwelling on memories is over now. Tee Hee. Just a bit of philosophy I really didn't know was in me until my fingers began to move on the keyboard. Now, back to real life.

I mailed my last secret pal gift today....she (Jae) will know who I am by Friday. Very exciting! I want to take this moment to say that it has truly been a joy playing the part of your secret pal. I hope you have enjoyed your gifts and I hope to keep in touch! I believe that I have made a real friend thru this exchange! I can't wait to see who my secret pal is - she has been great!!!! Suspense - Suspense :)

On a darker note Mama is going to have to undergo 4 Kimo treatments. Her chance of survival without them is 70% - with them it is 85% - so she is going for them and I'm glad. I feel sorry for her though, she is going to lose her hair and the treatments make you physically sick. Here's hoping her side-effects will be minimal. On a happy note she was able to plan the treatments around our trip to Scotland so she is still going with us - WOOT. I'm spending the night with her tomorrow night so I probably won't be bloggin.

Well, enough jabber for now - Have a good night everyone!

Life

Life is an unquestionable gift - an unpredictable puzzle - a renlentless ride - a joy - a sorrow - Life is just that Life.

So what are we doing with our lives and what makes one person's life more valuable, more joyous, more rewarding or more miserable than someone else's? What gives some people tempers that are uncontrollable? and others an unwavering mentality and patience? I guess we should look at the differences among people as a gift as well; I mean what would happen if we were all the same? How boring would or life be? But sometimes I wonder if the extremes of our temperament wouldn't be better to be forgotten.

I know your wondering what brought on this rant, this deep insight, this list of unanswerable questions up. The answer is simple - drama. I will avoid details here, but lets just say divorce of someone close is never fun and the drama surrounding it is even worse; especially when the husband (whom I happen to be closer to than I am the wife) is a controlling, violent asshole that deserves 95 % of what he gets. I would have left him 10 years ago, but that's just me. Well anyway enough of my cryptic rant. Let's just say I wish all was happy in the world and that people's controlling violent tendencies did not exist.

On happier notes things are well with Jack and I. We are about to celebrate the fact he is graduating with his undergrad. My MBA has a break in it until 4/1 :) plus I finished one of the subcomponents and earned one of my professional certificates - WOOT! Mama is doing much better, she doesn't need the drama she is having to deal with right now but she's holding her own. She goes tomorrow just to make sure she doesn't need Kimo. Pray with me that she doesn't.

The shawl is very slowly progressing...I want to go buy some more yarn for another Booga bag. I enjoyed making mine and thought it would be a good gift. EQII is going well. The guild is actually going to get together for a weekend in Real life -> I get to play hostess here in Atlanta. I can't wait to meet everyone...how much fun!

Well, gotta go get some sleep. I hope all of your lives are filled with peaceful moments and rays of sunshine.

My Fav Drink - How Cool

You Are a Strawberry Daiquiri

You're a fun, playful drinker who loves to party.You may get totally wasted, but you're always a happy drunk!

What Mixed Drink Are You?

Slacker

Wow, I've been a slacker. A full week since my last post - sorry peps. So what's been going on with me? Let me give you the weekly speel

Monday -> Pretty much an uneventful day.
Tuesday -> Pretty much the same.
Wednesday -> Horrible day. Pam a lady at work informed me that I make her feel stupid. The fact is I have to retrain her on everything...it sucks. I'm trying to do as nicely as possible but when it's wrong - it's wrong. She's not stupid but I'm not going to let her continue messing up so I'm trying to be nicer....I'm not good at nice.

Thursday -> Walked on egg shells at work, but got some good stuff done. Wrote a paper for school.
Friday -> About the same as Thursday with work. Came home BS's a paper which earned my A in the class. Now I have a 2 week break before my next class - WOOT. Found out that Jack passed his exam so he has finished his degree. So exciting. Then we played EQ for hours...we actually had a lot of guild members on. It was great.

I slept till 2 today and I'll be playing EQ most the day :) Woot. Mama is doing well, I think she is planning on going home today from my brothers. Now she just has to get in a routine from being retired....

Well, that has been my week. I get to mail off my last secret pal gift on Monday and reveal myself. How exciting.

Talk to you soon.

Good Weekend

Jack and I had a good weekend. We got up early Saturday morning and drove his Hapaw to Decatur AL to stay with her sister. I'm normally very nervous around new people so I was dreading having to visit with her sister and brother-in-law but they were great people and we really did have a wonderful time. They have this screen porch that is to die for...may be our next update to the house. Anyway after we had lunch with them and said goodbye to Hapaw we headed to a good friend of mines home to stay the night - Rev. Lester and Linda Cowan. I really wanted to see them and couldn't see not paying a visit since we were so close and well frankly I wanted to go to church and we haven't found one around here; granted I haven't been looking lately but....

The visit was nice. Linda can cook, boy I tell you what. I think I gained three pounds. We played spades (Lester and I winning of course) and then went to church this morning. All I can say is that I needed it. It was uplifting and refreshing. Jack and I will be finding a church in the area.

On another note one of their daughters is knitting. I showed her last time I was over there and she is still at it. So cool. I got a bunch done on my shawl (about 1/2 done). Tee hee.

Well, off to bed or extracurricular activities - see you all later.

Almost over - Oh, but It's Not

The week is almost over - one more day until rest and relaxation. A time I would normally use to recoup my juices, but no not this weekend. Jack's grandmother needs to go to Alabama and we are taking her. I volunteered for the duty but the timing could be better. Mama just got out of the hospital yesterday and for the past week I have been going to the hospital and visiting her; we were there this weekend and I'm tired. Thankfully she's home (came home yesterday) and life is slowly getting back to normal but it will take her time to get her energy back, hell it's taking me time and I'm 24 and haven't had my lung taken out. I'm looking forward to helping Hapaw (Jack's grandmother) out and were going to spend the night with some friends while we are over there, but I'm tired. I need the weekend to rest and recoup - I need some time to be me. Weekend afernext I hope.

I'm going to sleep - sweet dreams dear world.

Woot - Its Done

Finally, the finished product...I know your all dying to see it. My first bag - how exciting. Well here you go. It is complete and actively being used. I love it!

On other topics, my shawl is coming along great... I'm just working on it as I have time or as the need for relaxation arises. No rush...I got alot of it done while being at the hospital though. Lately, I've been on a reading binge. I've read 5 novels in a week...I love to escape into another world.

Mama is doing well. She may get to come home from the hospital tomorrow. Today was the first day since Wednesday of last week I have not went to see her. I had to get my car from the shop and I had an assignment due...I'll go see her tomorrow weather she is at home or at the hospital. I kinda feel guilty about today though.

She sounded fine on the phone...more like herself than she has sounded in days. It was encouraging. Thank you to all who said a prayer or had a good thought. It is greatly appreciated.

Other than Mama, knitting, reading and the occasional log in to EQ things have been fairly uneventful here. I'm about to go delve into Nora Roberts again before I crash...I hope you all have a great evening. Here's wishing you dreams of fluffy clouds and butterfly kisses.

Another Day

Well, Mama is still in the hospital. I got there this morning at 10 and left around 6. Her color was getting alot better and she seemed to be feeling ok. She did have one bout of pain this afternoon that was pretty bad; I've never really seen my mother in pain so it was a humbling experience. I've never seen her helpless - it saddens me and causes me to feel helpless; which really I am. There is nothing I can do to make her feel better or make the incision in her back magically get well. All I can do is be there as support and let her know that I love her and that I and most everyone I know is praying for her.

It's good though - they caught it early; she is not even going to have to do Kimo. She should be plenty well in time for our trip to Scotland - WOOT.

I got some good school work done while sitting up there and some knitting done; my shawl is coming right along. I'm going to try and get the discussion board assignment that is late done tonight and then I should be caught back up. Hopefully I can stay that way.

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers. Sleep well blog land.

Recovering

My Mama's surgery went well and she is at the hospital recovering...the doctor said he got all of the cancer. Here's praying he's right. As I sat in that waiting room today all I can say is...well, I don't know what to say. Exhaustion probably played a big part in my day, I slept very bad last night and we had to get up at 3:30 am. Let me walk you thru the day.

We got to the surgery pavilion at 5:10; they were not even open yet. At 5:20 the doors were opened and we walked in to wait. They took her back for pre-op at around 5:40. Not long after that a gentleman from the prayer group at my brother's church came over. Please DO NOT get me wrong. I really appreciated his thoughtfulness in wanting to come and offer comfort and support to the family and to offer his prayers. It is a great ministry and I admire it. However, my brother was not there - we had decided he would take off tomorrow and I would take watch today. I am not an overly chatty person when I first meet people, I'm very quiet and well just not social so him being there made me feel extremely awkward. What do I talk to him about? Do I have to talk to him? You probably can't imagine, but it was awkward....

I was then allowed to go see my mother after they had done all of the pre-op. My husband decided to stay in the waiting room to visit with our guest. I think he knew I needed a moment of freedom; bless him. Mama was completely lucid, though she was getting a bit droopy from the drugs. Her reaction to out guest? "Don't bring him back here." "I told Donald (my brother) there was no sense in them coming, I'm going to be asleep." "Tell Donald to come keep them company"...she is my mama and like me she tells it like it is. So, I called my brother at 6:20 in the morning and his wife answered...she had a sick child, but I basically told her that I have no idea what to talk to his friends about. I had no idea if he was coming or not because she had to let me go Aimie was throwing up. Poor kid.

So then I go back out and the guest has gone to get coffee, Mama has been rolled back and I'm starved. We waited for him for a few minutes and then me being in the extremely good mood I was in **sarcasm** decided I was going to Waffle House and I wasn't worried about the guest. So I gave my cell phone # to the wonderful receptionists (she really was great) and we went out to breakfast.

By time we came back 45 min later I was in a slighly better mood, though not much. We sit down and I begin reading my book, which I bought specifically to enjoy while waiting and low and behold here is my brother. By this time the guest had disappeared so I felt guilty for calling him, especially since he dragged the sick kid with him. However, my guilt quickly subsides when 2 more of his prayer buddies showed up. Once again I am not saying there ministry is not a good one or that it was not done with a loving caring heart, but I just wanted to read and / or knit and be left alone. Donald started talking to them and I tried to continue reading but it was no use I would inevitably be asked a question so I put the book down and began knitting on my shawl. I got alot of it done and the time passed quickly with the conversation buzzing around me...

Then about 10:30 they came to tell me she was in recovery and that they had gotten all of the cancer. Donald and his friends left - Donald with the promise that he would come back tonight and Jack and I continued to wait. We then went and asked the nurse how long she would be in recover and was told it would be well over an hour. So off to lunch we went.

On the way to lunch a client of my current company on my husbands cell phone! My first reaction was what in the Hell is this woman tracking me down for, what nerve and all to check on a quote that anyone in our office could have easily checked on. I told her I couldn't help and that I was at a hospital, after which time I called and asked Wendy who gave her my husbands cell and why? Wendy said no one - Wendy said she had not even asked to speak to anyone else. Oh, the nerve of that woman was my thought - I asked Wendy to take care of her. Then I asked Jack how in the hell she could have gotten his cell....apparently our phone here at the house was down and all calls are automatically forwarded to his cell in that case. This made me really glad I hadn't cussed her out - like I was tempted to. I don't mind them calling me at home, but as I said emotions were running high today and it didn't take much to make me snap...anyway I called work and explained how she had gotten me, I didn't want anyone to get on to her and we went to eat lunch, which was really good by the way.

After lunch we were told to go to the heart center, apparently that is where the monitor surgery patients for the first night after surgery. It is one step down from an ICU would be the only way I can describe it. We are allowed to see her from 10-11, 1 to 2, 5 to 6 and 8 to 9. By time we got back it was 1:15 and she was doing well or so they said. She was alert and talking, though very groggy and desperately wanting to go to sleep. She was exceptionally pale, this from a woman who is normally as red as a coke can and she was cold...I mean ice cold. I know it's just side effects from going under for the surgery, but the fear - the helplessness I felt at that moment was more than I had felt all day. Her best friend and her daughter (basically my sister) showed up shortly thereafter and since only 2 at a time are allowed in Jack and I left for a few and went back to the waiting area. Right before time was up I went and kissed her good bye and told her I would be back tomorrow. She said ok and for me to go home, she was going to sleep.

Donald isn't going tomorrow to stay the day, apparently his day job which lets him off to do everything else in the world won't let him off to visit his mother in the hospital...I know I'm harsh, but shit. So, I'm taking tomorrow off - does she need me there? probably not, but I don't want her in the hospital by herself, besides the room she was in is just temporary so I couldn't even leave her cloths. I'm hoping they will get her moved into a regular room soon tomorrow so I can sit with her all day. Knowing us she will be sleeping and I will be knitting/reading or napping,but I will be there. I guess that counts for something.

please keep praying - please if you do smoke - STOP - please keep your loved ones close to you tonight and be grateful for the time you have - please be grateful for what the Lord has given you I know there are times when it's tough, when things seem to be going all wrong, but remember he never gives you more than you can bear and he is there to help you thru the darkness all you have to do is take his hand - please sleep well and be at peace.