I struggle

It's 4 am and I'm awake. I should have been asleep hours ago but here I sit, reflecting. My 10 year high school reunion is coming up on Saturday. 10 years - Part of me wonders "has it really been that long" other parts ask "really, it's only been 10 years"

Tonight I pulled out the year books and begin looking at how my life progressed from elementary school thru my senior year. It was an interesting trek down memory lane. As I reviewed the pictures and read the comments that people so willingly make in your annual it caused me to speculate. What choices did I make to get here?

In reading the comments, especially those in the high school year books, I can't help but wonder... Would that person be proud of who I am today? Would they be surprised? Did I live up to their expectations? The answer is grey for most, for some a timid yes and for others a resounding no. In school, at least up until my Senior year, I was super religious. I walked the walk, talked the talk and believed everything I was saying. Fact is I still do believe it (most of it) - just less vocally.

I still wonder though - Did I make a difference? Do I make a difference now? Is the direction my life is going now where I want it to be going? In retrospect, I can say my life now is happy - it's family, pictures and knowing I love and that I am loved! All of which are wonderful things. It's also bills, a seemingly dead end job, desire to make an impact somewhere despite the fact I have no impact left in me to make and the conviction that I should be doing something more.

Where is that conviction stemming from? Is it coming from my boredom at work? My comfy home life ? The fact that things are too good? Or is it God talking to me - telling me that I'm not where I need to be with him. That I'm putting my desires, my wants, my hobbies, my family, ME in front of him.

Matthew says " Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

And thus I struggle. I struggle with the war between living and living in God. They are two very distinct things. I am living! I am experiencing a life that is full of joy, hope and yes worry and disappointments. I know that turning to God and giving my life over to him completely is the way to go, or at least part of me does, the other part struggles with past issues.

All to often we look at our church as a pillar of strength. We view it as unbreakable - my experience tells me differently. I know in my head that a church is made up of people and that people, even good Godly people, make mistakes. I know that emotion is a part of any experience in life and that as people we can let it run us over. I know that a good portion of my last year at my previous church, or maybe even the last two years, was emotion as much as it was real. I know this and yet I struggle to learn from it and forget it. I struggle to walk back into a church without the doubtful thoughts - are they serious, do they believe it or is a show, is she raising her hand in praise or because the others are raising their hand? - going through my head. I know they are people with the same issues that I face every day. I know they have decided, or most of them, to follow God as best they can regardless of their personal issues. Yet still I struggle...

I've decided in the past that I could keep my walk with God and not have a church family to lean on. I've learned I can't. I need the support structure, I need the weekly or bi weekly services to help me stay focused. I can't seem to force myself to find it.

But the other side of me, (And yes I know the dedicated Christians reading this will say "that's the devil trying to confirm your doubts" ) the side that is living in the now says... what do you do that is so wrong? How is your life different now than it was when you were a sophomore in High School? Ok, so you drink every now and then (which by the way no matter how I go I do not believe is wrong as long as it is not done in excess, which I do not do anyway), you cuss (more than I should), you don't go to church and you're not on the best terms with some of your family. You still don't smoke, don't get drunk or even high on a regular basis, you are happily married and faithful, you work every day, you don't gamble and overall you live a safe - legal - pleasing life. Yep that's the other part of me.

I'm not sure which side will win. At this moment I'd love to say "I'm going to try a church on Sunday", but I know when Sunday roles around I'll sleep late and be lazy. I know there is a happy medium between the two lives, one that is both pleasing to God and to myself. I know if I walk in him, all things are possible. I know and yet I struggle.