Update

Life is good and sometimes we need a reminder of that. Last night I went to the Trinity House
Several employees of my company, more than I thought actually, sponsor dinner there once a month and we go down and share a meal with these men who are trying to get their lives back in order. Last night was my first visit to the house and I have to admit that while speaking and sharing who I am was awkward it was great to see how these men are trying to pick themselves up and move into a better life. It was great to see so many people from my company come out and share their time and love for their fellow man. It was just good to see and I will probably go back next month.

Lately, my train of thought has been reflective. I have realized many things and going to the Trinity House maybe firmed up a few of them. While, I'm surprised that I feel the need to share this with the world I"m going to. Maybe by writing my ideas/thoughts/feelings here i will finally begin to work toward some changes that I need / want to make in my life, maybe not, either way I want to write them down and you out in blogland are my sounding board.

1) My self esteem is not where it should be. I say this for several reasons:

a) I look in the mirror and I am not satisfied. I know no one is always satisfied but all I see are the flaws: my stomach is starting to pouch, my teeth need to be straightened/whitened, I look like a boy.
b) I dress ok, but not Mrs. Fashion. The ladies I work with always look like a million bucks and I heard one person said "I'm the what not to wear girl" I know this is a high school type statement, but it really hurt my feelings. I'm not going to go buy a whole new wardrobe and I like most of my cloths and style but it's just another kink in the shield of self esteem we put on everyday before we face the world.
c) I'm constantly worried about what people think of me, do they like me, are they talking about me badly. I constantly am in need of positive feedback / encouragement and when I don't get it I start to get down on myself.

2) I need to in better shape. No I don't need to lose weight I need to get in better shape. I so hate it when you say "I need to exercise" and everyone says why, you don't need to lose weight. The fact that I am skinny does not negate the fact that I get out of wind walking up stairs or doing any strenuous activity exhaust me. I've been saying that I need to get in better shape for years but I really need to start doing something. I filled out the health questionnaire that work offers thru our insurance yesterday and I'm at 50% of the health I should be at my age. 50%!!! This is nuts and I have to do something! Making myself do it is another matter.

3) I get bored to easy but at the same time I don't want to do anything. I know it's crazy. The conversation is often at my house: (Mylerna) "I'm bored" (Husband) "Whatcha want to do?" (Mylerna) " I don't know, nothing" I mean what type of productive conversation is that? Then I spend hours in front of a tv /comp screen / reading doing nothing productive. GRRRR

4) I'm going to start doing some volunteer work, somewhere. I'll probably go to the Trinity House for the monthly thing Wachovia sponsors, but I want more. Maybe I'll knit chemo hats, maybe I'll ... hell I don't know something to give back.

Well, I'm out of ideas at the moment but I'm sure more will follow. Hope my reflection/vent wasn't too boring.